Month: March 2016

The first Journal Entry

So, I guess I’m finally doing this… Let’s see how long this one lasts.

Today has been… Another one of those weird days. Started out oversleeping; again, but actually managed to make it to work on time.

Slept really crappy, woke up around 2am, and then again at about 4am, first with burning feet for some reason, and then with burning hands… So much for those splints.

I made it to work at about 9:15, through a confused bus-driver and a few people that had to step off two stops in a row… Sorry!…

The day started fairly simple, “stand-up”, the usual… Finally had that intro meeting with my manager today, and overall, I think he liked me.

Now comes the tough part I guess… Trying to explain why I can’t do a five day working week, because right now, I just can’t.

Towards the end of the day my anxiety levels started spiking again, I have no idea why… Probably because I once again had to explain that I may go down to a three-day work week for a while, which once again brought back the dread of losing my ability to work.

Right now, I’m just sitting here, shivering and shaking, both sweating, cold, nervous, anxious, just… Being bombarded with everything that’s going on right now.

I hope that tomorrow will be better.

I hope that I can sleep at least somewhat better tonight, since tomorrow is the day it’s all going to be decided I guess.

Meeting with both HR, Line Manager and his Manager.

I didn’t get a lot done today either. Yesterday was a lot better in that regard. So that’s just adding to my frustrations right now; at least I took the rubbish out again!

It’s hard to explain sometimes, how doing one thing, that to most people seems so trivial, can have such a huge impact on my energy levels. I don’t know how to deal with that part of my new self yet, but eventually I hope I can cope.

I hope so desperately to not lose my job. Without that, I wouldn’t know the first thing about how to survive. Where would my income come from? How would I pay the rent? How would I pay off the loan that I was forced to take in order to get to a reasonably accessible flat?

All these questions. And I have none of the answers. It’s driving me nuts at this point.


This will pretty much be updated on an ongoing basis, but for now, here’s a “little” FAQ:

  • Who are you?
    • So first of all, the answer to that question is very complex.
    • My name, first of all, if you didn’t know, is Melanie.
    • I was born in 1988, yeah, feeling pretty old now…
    • I have Asperger Syndrome
    • I have recently been Diagnosed with FND
      • I can’t stand, and I can’t walk. I use a wheelchair to get around everywhere, and unfortunately, for the foreseeable future, that is the way my life is going to be.
      • (This is one of the reasons for why I’m doing this as well).
    • I’m tall… Really tall… 185cm… Or 6’1″ if you want it the antiquated way.
    • I’m transgender, specifically, Male to Female.


  • Why are you doing this?
    • Because it’s a way for me to my thoughts out there… I don’t care who reads them, or if anyone does for that matter. This is for me, not for you (I know that sounds rude, but that IS what this is intended for).


  • What’re you going to post here?
    • Mostly, probably journals.
    • They’ll be quite personal, be warned.
    • But I’ll also probably post the occasional rant.
    • Or comment on a topic of relevance for me.
    • Or many other things. Only time can tell at the moment.
    • The main reason for me creating / re-creating this blog, is so I have ONE place, that I can access from anywhere, where I can put my “stuff”